Irrespective of whether it is a mild push or a violent beating, domestic violence (aka family violence) is particularly disruptive to the constructive development of each family member.  The accused is typically arrested and jailed, the victim’s esteem is negatively affected, and every family member that witnesses or hears the assault is placed in the precarious position of choosing sides.  Much of the domestic violence that occurs can be avoided by avoiding the behavior or arguments that lead to domestic violence.  The top five fights that lead to domestic violence typically center around: 

(5) Drinking (alcohol) or drug use

(4) Cheating or womanizing

(3) Time

(2) Money 

(1) Poor communication

Substance abuse, primarily alcohol consumption, dominates many fights that lead to domestic violence.  Unfortunately, most sober spouses choose to confront the drinking spouse while the drinking spouse is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, which is the worse time to argue about the substance abuse.  If there is going to be any confrontation, the sober spouse should try and press the issue when neither spouse is under the influence of alcohol.  The typical scenario goes like this:

Husband arrives home extremely late and extremely drunk.  Of course he cannot carry on an intelligent conversation, but the wife, who has had a challenging day herself, is fed up with the drinking, broken promises that come with drinking and irresponsibility.  So, she confronts the drunk husband and fight ensues, replete with shoving, punching and furniture being overturned.

As the sober spouse, if you choose a sober moment for the confrontation, you can often avoid the 911 calls, bail bond expenses, and domestic violence attorney expenses.  As the spouse whose drinking has become a problem in the household, you should know that what worked for you and your girlfriend in your early twenties may not work for you and your wife and infant child in your late twenties, or early thirties.  It may be time for you to grow up and choose different free time activities. 

Cheating or womanizing (in the case of men) causes many more of the fights that lead to domestic violence.  Whether the accusations of cheating are founded or unfounded, the feelings or betrayal, jealousy and/or mistrust are real and palpable.  If you add in the emotions surrounding a man’s failure to commit to his live-in paramour, the situation becomes emotionally explosive.  This situation is often easy to avoid: (1) be honest; (2) be aware; and (3) grow up.    

                First, be honest.  Be honest with the person you are living with.  Whether you are engaged, married or just living together, if you are no longer attracted to him/her, let him/her know and move on.  If you cannot be monogamous, then inform your live-in paramour, and make other relationship arrangements.  Be honest with yourself.  You know if you never intended to settle down with any one woman, let alone with a woman who is six years older than you are. 

                Second, be aware.  Did you date this woman before you started living with her?  Did you hear how the prior six men all did her wrong?  Who is going to pay for that?  It doesn’t matter that you may not want to pay for all of the wrong that other men did to her, you will pay for all of it fi you get involved with this woman.  Just be aware.  Conversely, she is not stupid.  She sees the signs.  Despite the fact that you claim to always be at work, your money is short every month.  While you could not keep your hands off of her when you first met, you infrequently want to be intimate now.  Just be aware that she is aware, and be honest. 

                Third, grow up.  It was fine in high school, and maybe in college.  However, you cannot be big man on campus for the remainder of your life.  Make a commitment to one woman if you are going to make a commitment and go from there.  If your friends approve of your juvenile behavior, read or make new relationships with more mature adults. 

                “You never want to spend time with me anymore” is the complaint, right before the argument.  Time is a precious commodity.  There never appears to be enough of it.  There never will be.  If you are wasting it drinking/drugging or chasing other women, then you have the ability to create more of it for yourself.  If you are doing the right thing – i.e. working, educating yourself, building your business, improving your finances – then the complaint about time may reflect one of two things: (1) you and your significant other have different priorities; or (2) welcome to manhood.

                If you are building a business or working full-time and going to school full-time, and your live-in paramour phones you incessantly at 6:00 p.m. because she wants you home for dinner, you don’t need to argue and fight about it when you get home at 11:00 p.m., you need to leave the current relationship and find a workaholic like yourself, who does not mind when you work 80 hour weeks.  You and your live-in right now have different values.  No one is right or wrong.  You just have a fundamentally different view of what is important.

                If your live-in told you she understands, and it would be fine for you to work 80 hours a week, and now she is upset about the time you are spending at work, while at the same time spending the money you make at work, just as fast as you make it, you may just need to understand this is sometimes what manhood looks like.  As a man you are expected to take care of your family’s: (1) financial needs, which requires you to work additional hours; (2) emotional needs, which means you need to be at the baseball fields (ballet practice, piano practice, karate classes, etc.) four times a week; (3) intellectual needs, which means you need to fight with the school system to have your child placed in a challenging environment; (4) social needs, which means a decent house in a good neighborhood, where you are spending 5 hours a week on landscaping and maintaining your home; and (5) spiritual needs, which means church on Sunday.  I know there is not enough time to do it all.   Take solace in this fact: It doesn’t matter what you to choose to pursue or neglect, you will always be wrong.  Welcome to manhood. 

If time is a precious commodity, then money is viewed as the most precious commodity.  Much marital discord begins and ends with money.  If you are not drinking your money away, or drinking away time, which could be used to improve your family’s economic situation, or spending time in the arms of another, then you need to reevaluate your finances.  Clearly, in the current economic climate many folks are experiencing money problems.  For some, the money problems are a function of not being able to earn enough to subsist, whatever that means for that particular family.  For others, the money problems are a function of wants (e.g. IPAD, I-phone, flat screen, braves tickets, new car, vacation, etc.) outpacing income.  When issues of money arise, it is best to be honest.  Each household needs a certain income to subsist.  Each household needs a certain amount for emergencies.  Each household may need a certain amount to educate children.  It does not matter than the neighbor has a new Mustang, because his priorities may not reflect your priorities.  It seems ridiculous to fight with your wife and create martial strife, because you do not have enough money for both the new Mustang and the college fund, when you married her because you wanted to spend your life with her.  Money problems should be viewed as an opportunity to get your priorities straight. 

Although I have poor communication as number one, it really was addressed in numbers two thru five, because the two issues that partners fail to communicate effectively about are sex and money.  Sex is important to men, as Dr. Laura’s points out in her book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.  Dr. Laura’s position is: Unless she is ill or injured, it is a wife’s duty to have sex with her husband.  While that statement may seem radical, it is important to understand where that statement comes from.  It comes from the point of view that sex is paramount to a man.  It provides an understanding as to why some men that do not get sex at home, spend greater amounts of time and money outside of the house chasing women and other pleasures (e.g. alcohol).  Similarly, if there is not enough money in a household, there is a great deal of tension, pressure and stress, which may be relieved by drinking, and spending time finding other relaxing pleasures outside of the household (e.g. women).

If you minimize the behavior or arguments about the behavior that we have examined in this article, you greatly reduce the chance that 911 will be phoned.